I have had tried to write this post a couple of times now. I hope this time it will sound right. I want people to see the that there are ups and downs to this journey. As many know I also have cerebral palsy on the same side as the THR.
Well in the last couple of days I have been thinking. When I started this journey with a 1/2 inch leg difference which I always blamed on my CP. Yes it might have been part of it. Now that the hip has been replaced the legs are even for the first time in my life. Yes I love being even but it has brought something to my attention. I no longer have the rock in my gait. I have been working hard at strengthening the muscles that help with that. But having the leg length gone and the rock gone must of the time has led me to think. There is no longer visible signs of my CP on the outside. Yeah that may seem strange but that limp has been there since as far as I can remember. Now I am afraid that people wont understand why I have to do things different. Yes when I have shorts on you can see my Bioness but in pants I look just like anyone else sort of. That slightly might be part of my problem. I have never wanted to be “normal” and now I am starting to look normal and that is bothering me too. This might seem totally crazy to some people. But hay that is what is in my brain. Yes my right arm will still be a visible sign to others that not everything is OK.
Knowing that it will only get better and better is hard too. Not that I want to go back to where I was ever. You get so used to being a certain way for so long. I was happy with where I was and thought I as at my best but now I have the chance to be even better. Do things that I once thought were unobtainable. Yes I might be the same Blaire again but I am getting the chance to be a better Blaire. I am trying everything new like I am 5 again. How many people get that chance. For so many years there were times when I would watch people do things and know that I might never be able to do that. However once again the world has been opened up to me. I am one that very rarely says I can’t I have always tried before I say I can’t. Well once again I have found new skills that I once lost the ability to do.
I will say that change has always been hard for me. So to have the bump in the road seems almost normal to me. I know there is more change to come. Just like today I was at Church and was kneeling and I thought about how a year ago that was not possible. My hip would not let me do it. Everyday is a new experience that I get to live and live it my way. As the nicer weather starts to head to my area I am thinking of all the fun things I can do now. I have many hopes for the summer. I am hoping to lose 40 pounds and be close to my ideal weight. I can’t wait to have a GREAT week at VBS. An amazing family vacation and a trip to my nephew’s High School Graduation. The trip for graduation will be the first trip through the airport post THR. I am planning to enter OT for my right arm again. I am hoping to find a teaching job and just to have tons of fun. When I have things to look forward to it helps the bad days be that much better. I am ready to live my life again and will do the best to be my best.
Loving every Moment in Life!!